


returning home.

by jasisst00pid



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Bisexual John Reese, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Loss, Love Letters, M/M, Multi, Post-Episode: s03e09 The Crossing, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-25
Updated: 2019-09-25
Packaged: 2020-10-27 23:17:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20768594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jasisst00pid/pseuds/jasisst00pid
Summary: He steals a motorcycle and heads home, he thinks it’s home. Home was Joss though, Home was Jessica, Home is Harold.





	1. loving joss carter

* * *

Losing Joss snaps something inside him, his heart crumbles. John gets to Alonso Quinn, he gets there. He’s broken, shot and bleeding and aching, but all he can focus on is her. Joss told him to look in on her son, if he doesn’t die first he will, God he’ll protect that boy with his whole soul. But right now, he remembers her in his arms, taking her last breath. So he does what he knows, he fights and doesn’t kill. He won’t kill, a voice in the back of his head that sounds so much like Joss it’s sickening, tells him that isn’t the way. 

John finds him, he finds where Simmons will be. Before he can hunt him down like a rabid dog, Harold finds him. Harold tells him it’s not what Joss would have wanted, that he can’t fool himself into thinking that it’s in her name. He’s so tired, too much blood loss, too much fighting, too much loss, and not enough sleep so he concedes. He lets Harold take him home, let’s Shaw take care of him until they reach a doctor, he lets himself drift off on the car ride home. 

Later he finds out Fusco arrested, and beat, Simmons and feels a slight sense of pride. Joss would be proud of Lionel, of how far he’s come and how hard he fights. She’d be proud of all the good he’s done, all the good he’ll continue to do in her name. He’s still bedridden when he learns this, silently grateful he doesn’t have to face the world again just yet. Harold sits with him on these days, the ones he’s willing to speak on, the ones he doesn’t feel like dying so much on. He’s grateful to Harold, he’s forever grateful that he met Harold. 

As soon as he’s strong enough to walk he leaves, he finds clothes laid out for him, he knows Harold had laid them out. He steals a motorcycle and heads home, he thinks it’s home. Home was Joss though, Home was Jessica, Home is Harold. But this home tethers him to a past he can’t forget, a past he’s stopped trying to forget. John goes to his fathers bar, tries to drink his sorrows away. The phone behind the bar rings, the bar tender tells him he has a call. 

_I am sorry, John. _

An automated voice says, different voices, and he recognizes it from the library. He recognizes it as The Machine and his grip tightens on the phone. “I loved her, and she died working for you.” His voice doesn’t break. It absolutely does not. Except it does and his heart aches and John is not a man that cries but he feels his eyes well up. 

_Deserved Better. _

John lets out a shaky sigh and hands the phone back to the bartender. He clears his throat and orders another scotch on the rocks. It’s a couple hours before Fusco shows up, he can’t say he didn’t except it but he’s annoyed nonetheless. 

“He probably needs our help.” Fusco says and that’s what breaks John. He clenches his fist and knows there will be half moons in his palm. He ends up going to the bank, they both save Finch, Shaw and Arthur. He meets Finch in the library later, he tells him Root has left. Reese tells him he has to leave, that he can’t do this job anymore. John leaves out the part that he only came back because he couldn’t bare the thought of losing another person he loves. “Keep yourself safe, Harold.”

At first, he doesn’t know where to go so he heads to where this started. John gets on the subway and ends up taking it, and a cab to JFK. John tries to get a flight to Tokyo and ends up on one to Rome. He thinks it’s Harolds doing, tries to ignore it but then there’s a Marshall knocked out and he’s right back in the middle of a case. The Machine did this, he’s so completely angry and as soon as he finishes saving this idiot he’s going to somewhere so completely isolated no technology will reach him. 

The Marshalls phone he ‘borrowed’ buzzes with a text. A text from an unknown number and he resists the urge to straight up growl like Bear.

**We need you. **

**Harold cannot protect himself. **

**He loves you. **

**I am sorry. **

**Couple, front middle seat. **

**I need you to protect Harold.**

John resists the urge to crack the phone. He doesn’t bother texting back, takes out the couple when they make their move and then the ISA guy. Owens lost, the stewardess is panicking. 

They land in Europe, he sends Owen on his way and trusts Harold will set him up with a new identity and he finds himself a hotel. A nice hotel, using money The Machine sent him, for some reason and decides to go out to eat. John sees a woman that looks like Joss from the side and his heart clenches. After John eats at a small crowded restaurant he walks to a book store down the street from his hotel. He purchases a notebook and heads back to his room. 

_Joss, _

_When we met you asked my name. A romantic part of me wanted to say yours. I’ve always been a romantic, not that anyone would guess that. The Army muffled some of that, I’d loved Jessica, and then I’d killed people. The CIA muted it almost entirely, made me kill more people. That never bugged me much, but you knew that. I’ve killed so many people and after you, after I lost you I wanted revenge. I tried to kill Simmons, didn’t go through with it. Fusco locked him up, Elias killed him. That’s not the point of this, honestly I’m not sure what is. I miss you Joss. I’m sorry I kissed you in the morgue. I’m sorry that that was the first time I kissed you, that was the first place. I should have a million times before in the two years I’ve known you. I love you Joss. I’ll always love you. Thank you for saving me. I know you didn’t intend to, but God Joss you did as soon as I met you. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I do believe in seeing someone for the first time, and getting a feeling they’re someone important. I got that with you. I started to fall for you from a distance, watching how genuine you are. I thought you were beautiful the moment I met you, I thought you were such a good person I didn’t deserve to know you. You taught me though, you taught me that I had the potential to be good again. I was being sincere when I told you that you’d changed me, you helped me become better. I guess I’m writing this to say thank you. Thank you for letting me know you, thank you for being with me, thank you for changing me. Thank you for letting me love you. Thank you Joss. I’ll see you again one day, probably sooner than I should. I hope you know how much I love you, how much I admire you. I miss you Joss, I will miss you every day for the rest of my life. _

John folds up the letter and stuffs it into an envelope. He tucks it into his jacket and calls Holly, they grab a drink. He meets Harold, his heart warms a bit and he asks for a ride home. This job hurts him, it hurts the people he loves but he saves so many people. This job is more than a job, it’s his purpose like Harold said. His new phone buzzes with a text from an unknown number as he sits on the plane ride home, Harold dozing next to him. 

**Welcome home. **


	2. letting joss carter go

John has trouble letting go, he rarely gets attached to people so when he does it’s so much harder to let go. He couldn’t let go of Finch, even when he tried to quit this job. He’s lost Joss, and it breaks his heart. John sets a glass out for her when they’re all sitting together having drinks, talking about the heist they’d pulled off. After the team parts ways for the night John heads to Taylor’s school, Paul should be picking him up from band practice now, and waits across the street. 

He watches Paul hug Taylor and help load his trombone into the car. Finch comes up behind him, he’s been there for a few minutes and John sighs shakily. “She asked me to check on him.” John says quietly, Harold hums and stands shoulder to shoulder with him. Their hands bump. “Dinner?” Finch asks quietly and John lets a small smile peak through. “Chinese tonight, Mister Reese?” John nods and hails a cab. “Any particular reason you insist on using my last name?” John asks when they’re in the cab. “You do the same.” John huffs. “Truce then, Harold?” The smaller man crosses his ankles next to him and smiles gently. “Truce, John.”

They sit comfortably next to each other at the kitchen table of Johns apartment eating their dinner, the television running in the background. Bear is asleep on the couch, snoring a bit and John feels safe. “I have to let her go, don’t I?” John asks softly and Harold smiles sadly at him. “You do, yes, but in your own time.” John sighs and bumps his thigh against Harolds. ”Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting John, it means living your life without her and-“ 

“And it’s what Joss would have wanted for me,” John finishes for Harold who gives him a small nod. They finish eating and clean up before Harold gathers his things to leave. At the door Harold turns around and looks up at him, they’re close to each other now. “I’m here for whatever you need,” Harold says and John smiles and pulls him in for a hug. “Thank you.”

The next day they get another number, save another person, stop another crime and when the days done John meets Lionel. They get a pizza from Joss’ favorite place from when she was walking the beat and fight the cold to visit her grave. They sit on folding chairs in front of it. “To Carter,” Fusco says and lifts his soda, John does the same. “To Joss.” They eat for a bit, catch up and make sure everything’s going good. Lionel leaves first, heading to pick up Lee from hockey practice. Once he’s gone John pulls out the letter he wrote in Rome. 

The letter is warm in his hands, a bit wrinkled from his pocket and he looks up to the grave stone. John takes out a lighter and watches the flame for a second, in the next he lights the end of the letter. He watches it burn until it gets dangerously close to his fingers and then drops it, letting the flame die out on the snow. It’s a symbol of letting her go, trying to get used to life after Joss. His heart aches as he kneels in front of her gravestone, his fingers run across the letters of her name. He wants to apologize, he wants to say he’s sorry he couldn’t save her this time. “Thank you,” is what he says instead. Thank you for saving me, he doesn’t say. With a sigh he stands, his shoulder protesting and folds up his chair before heading to the car. 

Instead of wallowing, letting himself be that hollow shell he was before he met Harold, John tries to live. The Machine sends him a perfectly clear picture of Joss smiling, looking at him. He frames it and hangs it so whenever he feels so unbearably broken over losing her, he can look and remember how much she always glowed. He could remember all the reasons he loved her. Over a few months time he visits her grave less and less, asks the Machine to please, please let him know if Taylor was ever in trouble. He checks on Taylor when he can, knowing Joss wanted him to watch her boy. He starts to hang out with Finch more, actually enjoying each other’s company outside of work. 

One night, he can’t sleep. Not being able to sleep isn’t unusual for John Reese, not with all of the things that haunt him. All of the terrifying, gut wrenching things he’s experienced. Tonight though, it isn’t the bad things that won’t let him sleep, tonight it’s thoughts of Harold. He’s known he had feelings for Harold for a long time now, got that same gut feeling that Harold would be important like he did for Joss. When Root had kidnapped Harold it’d forced him to face just how much he cared about him, just how far he’d go to save him. The way Harold cares for Bear never fails to make his heart warm, the way he forces John to rest and heal when he’s hurt makes it stutter. 

They’ve developed an odd domesticity since they started working together. There was the era of trying to obtain knowledge on Harold, then came the respecting his secrets, which in turn brought the fondness for just having Harold. They basically had split custody of Bear, they’d bring each other coffee and tea respectively, remind each other to eat and rest, they took care of one another. John enjoys doing absolutely anything with Harold. His voice is comforting in his ear, knowing he’s never alone in these fights. His small chuckle when a tv show says something funny makes him inexplicably happy. 

It isn’t inexplicable though, not really. John knows this feeling, knows this warmth that floods his chest. Knows the feeling all too well. This feeling, this caring so much for someone it scared him, he knows it, it feels like an old friend. An old friend that was there when he’d had Jessica, when he’d loved her, held her, been able to have her. An old friend that was there when he’d had Joss, every time she saved his ass, every time she smiled at him, every single time she protected him, when he’d kissed her, when he’d loved her. An old friend that never really went away for either of them, that visited when a glimpse of a memory of one of them shone through. This feeling, this is love. This is the thing he needed to fight for. 

Thing is, in Johns life everything is drastic, dramatic, memorable. It’s rarely ever calm. Bomb vests attached to him, Harold getting kidnapped, friends dying, all the rest. So it’s nice, it’s comforting to welcome something calm into his life. The entire walk to the library the next morning John is content, his heart set on what he wants. He stops at the coffee shop down the street from the library and picks up Harolds tea, coffee for himself and Harolds favorite pastry. 

Walking into the library he’s greeted with a rush of warmer air, the air outside being unforgivingly cold. John hears small paws on the ground running to him and smiles. “Morning Bear,” He greets the dog and scratches behind his ear. They make their way up the stairs, Bear running ahead of John and once they reach the floor John smiles at the sight. Harold is sitting in his chair, reading a book instead of on the computer like he often is. 

Harold doesn’t hear him, if he does he doesn’t look up so John sets his tea and pastry on the table in front of him before sitting on the table. “Were you raised by wolves, John?” Harold says and lowers his book, John chuckles not being able to wipe the smile off of his face. “Somethin like that,” John says and pushes himself gently off the table, leans down so he’s eye level with Harold and presses a light kiss to his lips. John starts to move away, scared that maybe he shouldn’t have done that, maybe Harold hates him now but then, then Harolds hand is finding its way to the back of his neck and pulling him in and they’re kissing again. A real kiss, not desperate as much as warm, comforting and John sighs into it. 

Johns back protesting heavily is the only reason he pulls away, moving to take his seat back on the table. “I’d been wondering when you were going to do that,” Harold says and John chuckles. “Someone getting impatient Harold?” He teases lightly and revels in the way Harold flushes slightly. The shorter man stands then, slotting himself between Johns legs and kisses him again. John finds himself smiling slightly into the kiss, the only thing making them separate is the computer making a noise behind them. John groans, Harold chuckles. “Looks like we have a number John.”


End file.
